I had a loving family (although we had our drama), we were at church several times a week, I knew the rules, & was a pretty good kid.
I always had fear issues as a kid, but I thought it was normal.
As a teen I got rebellious, imagine that...I know, your shocked.
I was really good till I graduated high school and moved out of my parents house. After that I got out my sled, lubed it up and headed down a very slippery slope.
A slope leading to worthlessness.
My parent, in an attempt to shelter me from the evils of the world, held a short leash and kept me pretty sheltered, and controlled.
So now, on my own, I decided to sample my new found freedom.
I went to bar & parties, and became very interested in guys.
I started dating around a little, sampling different guys and what it felt like to have some fun and experiment with them.
I found out if felt good. I liked the attention, I liked the affection, I liked to be touched.
I knew I wasn't ready for marriage, so I didn't restrict myself to one guy.
I went on dates with several guys in the same week, and even two in one day sometimes.
I started drinking, because its fun, and everyone else was doing it.
I tried cigarettes, but fortunately didn't care for them. I did think they are me look cool though, so sometimes I would "smoke" them. (Aka- hold it and half gag as I tried to puff)
I started dating a guy, who I later married, that introduced me to smoking weed and a few other drugs.
We dated for about 6 years before we married in 2005. During this whole time we lived together. I know it was against biblical standards, but by this point I was getting pretty good at ignoring that little voice of reason.
My, now ex, husband and I had about as good a dating relationship as you can get when you don't put God first.
We got along pretty well, but we argued a lot.
We loved each other as best as 2 selfish children can.
He eventually proposed to me. I had reservations, but said "yes".
I knew it wasn't right. I knew I shouldn't marry him.
But by this time, I felt invested in the relationship. Plus I didn't really want to break up with him. We were still really hot in the bedroom and we did love each other.
I figured I would just have to make it work. So reluctantly, only on the inside, I said yes.
We were married on the beach in Mexico, it was beautiful!
Even as I said my vows, I felt that pull, that tinge of regret. It was way too late for those feeling so I hid them.
Married life for us was not good.
Our hot chemistry depleted where lack of trust and accusations arose.
We fought nonstop about everything, money, sex, and where to eat dinner.
You name it, we fought about it.
It started to wear on my soul.
I was living in unrest.
There was no peace in my life, no passion, and love was failing.
He became controlling, I withdrew myself and shut myself off from him.
His controlling became accusations, which became anger and mistrust.
He figured I must be giving out my hot loving somewhere else, seeing as I wasn't interested in his guilt trip sex.
The anger got worse, and I got scared.
Instead of calming his fears I started to instigate and push his buttons.
It got BAD!
Finally one day he took it too far and shoved me up against the wall and held me there while screaming in my face. I could see in his eyes he wanted to hit me.
I was terrified! I swore I would never be with a man who hit me, so I left.
It was July 2007. We had been married less than two years.
We (mostly me) decided we should seperate, at least for a while.
I got an apartment with my best friend and moved out while he was at work.
I was free from the control again.
So what did I do with my freedom?
I drank, and drank, and drank.
I drank my worries, problems, and frustrations away.
Only problem was, it wasn't working. They were still there every morning, and so were the hangovers.
I had a hole in my soul. I could feel it. It was black and dirty and lonely.
November 2008 my best friend (who is also my ex-husbands cousin) tells me that my husband had brought a girl to thanksgiving at their grandparents house. And to make matters worse, she looked like she might be pregnant.
At this point we are still fighting over the phone, mostly about debt.
I remember the exact spot I was standing when I asked my husband if he had a girl pregnant.
In that life changing moment I dropped everything moral I had.
All bets were off.
Till this moment, I still tried to maintain at least a little Christianity. I still prayed.
I plunged into a pit of despair, depression, anger, regret, alcohol, and drugs.
It didn't work. I felt despair. I couldn't make myself be happy more than a couple hours at a time.
I went to work every day as a waitress, and drank all my profits that night.
I drank to forget, to numb the pain, to null the disappointment and shame I felt.
It wasn't enough.
I needed more. I needed to fill the emptiness, the loneliness. I needed to cover the pain, to make the tears stop.
So I turned to men.
I slept with random guys.
Some I knew, some I didn't.
I tried to fill the ever growing hole in my soul with anything I could.
I looked at the bottom of every bottle. I covered the dirty, lonely, ugly, hole with secret rendezvous. I smoked pot till I didn't remember any of it...till morning.
This continued for a long time.
My best friend and I decided we needed to split ways and get our own apartments.
She had noisy kids, I had hangovers and sexcapades.
I got a little one bedroom apartment and partied my butt off.
I had several "friends with benefits" who would come over when I needed them.
I had learned my lesson with men. They can't be trusted with my heart, so I hid it. Well what was left of it.
I used the guys. (not that they minded, that's all they wanted anyway)
By this point my finances were in complete shambles. I had credit cards in collections all over the place, even though I had two jobs.
In 2009 I decided to go live with my grandma for a while and try to straighten my life up.
While living at gram's I received word that my husband grandmother had passed away.
I had been close to his family so I attended the funeral.
I could face him, and be a grown up.
We hadn't talked in months.
He was there.
He just happened to be outside when I was leaving.
I talked to him, offered condolences, and gave him a hug.
He was nice, he thanked me for coming.
He looked good all dressed up, and I remembered some of our good times.
For some reason, beyond me, I said "let's get together sometime."
He said he would like that.
I told him to call me.
He did.
We went out to a bar and had drinks.
We laughed.
I remembered the good times.
We went back to his apartment...he was still MY husband after all.
We saw each other again, and again.
We decided maybe we should give it another try.
I wasn't sure. He had an infant with some girl.
I remember, we sat at this booth at a restaurant and I cried. I told him my fears, I told him my hurts, I let him back in.
I decided I could handle it.
I could accept this child.
We made a plan. We were going to do better, communicate better, get counseling. We could do it.
I started staying weekends at his place.
Not long after I moved back in.
Everything was good, but only for a very short time.
While it was still good I tried so hard to convince him I was committed to him and the marriage. I told him I wanted a baby with him. We decided to stop birth control. I got pregnant.
I knew things had to change. We had to grow up, take responsibility, be better.
But we never changed, he never trusted me, and all our problems came rushing back.
We never did get that counseling we talked about. He never quit smoking for me. He never took responsibility for our family. He never led us.
The fighting, screaming, yelling, and arguing started up again.
It didn't take long for it to escalate.
I frequently left after his angry outbursts to stay with a girlfriend.
I remember laying in our bed at night crying quietly and wishing for a miscarriage. I knew it wasn't right to bring an innocent child into this mess. What kind of life is that?
One night he was out drinking with his friends, way later than he said. I wasn't invited, plus I was 6 months pregnant.
I got pissed.
He promised he was going to be better. We were having a baby now. He should be at home in bed with me. Not out running around.
When he came home I interrogated him and found out he had been out with one of his close girl friends. One I didn't know. One who he consoled and helped through her bad relationship.
I got more pissed.
We fought and fought till I was exhausted. Went to bed but demanded he sleep on the couch.
He would have no part of any couch business. And tried to make me, the pregnant one, sleep out there.
We fought more, it escalated. He got very aggressive. He held me down, screamed in my face, and refused to let me leave.
I felt helpless. I cried and screamed.
He pushed me and I fell backwards down the hall and into the bedroom door.
I knew I had to get away!!!
I did my best to calm the situation. Made it look like I was giving into him.
Finally he went out on the balcony to smoke a cigarette.
I ran! Fast!
He called and called. I didn't answer for 3 days.
I knew what I had to do. I had to get away from him for good.
I made peace just long enough to trick him into thinking its ok again.
He never realized I was packing for days.
I had the whole apartment organized and sorted. Everything unnoticeable was packed and stacked.
Once again, I moved out while he was at work.
This time I moved home with my parents.
It was August 2010.
I was 30 years old, pregnant, and living with my parents.
Not the brightest moment in my past.
My parent insisted I go to church.
But I couldn't go back to the church I grew up in.
I couldn't face the people. I couldn't answer the questions, or handle the looks or whispers.
My shame too over.
I decided to try my brothers church, hopefully nobody would know me there.
The church offered free marriage counseling to all members and I convinced my husband to try it.
He made it 5 times. He then declared it useless and quit.
In December 2010 I had my baby girl.
There was such a mixture of emotions the first time I saw her.
Most if all I couldn't believe she was finally here.
She had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.
She looked perfect.
I secretly thought I would be punished for all my wrong by having a deformed child or a physically or mentally handicapped one.
She wasn't any of those things. She was a 9lb 5oz bundle of chubbiness that needed me.
I knew I would love and protect her forever. I was glad God never granted me the miscarriage I wish for.
I was now ashamed for wanting one.
He came to the hospital, then to my parent house when we were released.
Then at Christmas he came again.
We talked on the phone some, and I sent him pictures but his visits stopped.
He still said he wanted to be with me and wanted me to move back in so we could he a family.
I knew I couldn't take my precious baby back to a hostile environment.
I found out later he was also trying to get back with his other baby's mama, and had a new girlfriend too.
Early 2011, I remember the exact spot I sat when I asked him if his new girlfriend was pregnant, and he confirmed she was.
I knew at that moment. It was over. My husband had gotten 2 other girls pregnant while we were still married.
I felt like a Jerry Springer episode.
My shame ran DEEP!
I had failed at marriage! I had failed at life. I was not good enough to keep my husband happy. I was not strong enough to hold it together. I had a pathetic family in shambles.
My life crumbled before my eyes.
The little tiny piece of my life were so beat up and tattered and stomped into the ground that I couldn't even find the pieces.
I had been back in church for several month now and the sweet pastor's wife counseled me one on one. She listened and told me God had a good plan for my life.
I went to a meeting where we had a guest speaker. He was a prophet.
I wondered, if I let him pray for me, could he see all the baggage I carried? Could he see how dirty my heart was? Would he call out all my sins and expose me as a fraud?
Would he have direction for me?
I sat a watch a long time. The line to be prayed for was long.
I decided to get out of my chair, all the way in the back row, and get in line.
It seemed like forever before it was my turn.
He told me my life was life a puzzle. There was pieces scattered everywhere. But God knew the big picture. He knew what the puzzle was supposed to look like. And He was putting the pieces in place.
I took great comfort in that word. God was picking up my pieces and putting me back together.
The relationship with my husband was still volatile.
He accused me of with holding our daughter from him and threatened to come take her by force.
I knew I had to get custody papers started, and now. And that just happens to be the very first thing they do when you file for divorce.
So that's what I did.
More shame, more failure.
I had so many horrible things and thoughts inside me, I could barely keep my composure.
I would snap at my family or withdraw to my room and hide.
I knew I had to release some of those horrible things.
One day I had an idea. Now I know it was from the Holy Spirit.
I cupped my hands to my mouth, and spoke all those bad thoughts, feelings of failure, regrets, shame, and disappointments into my hands.
When I had spoke it all, I closed my hands, trapping them inside.
I looked at my hands for a minute.
Then I lifted them to The Lord.
I opened my hands and released the all to Him.
I gave Him all I had. Which was only brokenness.
Oddly, He took my brokenness and He seemed glad to take it!
Time went on, I still went to church, most of the time, even though I felt like a fraud.
One day we had another guest speaker. I remembered him from my youth. He had gone to the same church as me while I was growing up. I knew he was an anointed speaker so I made a point to go that week.
He talked about the progressing of disappointment, and deferred hope.
After he asked for anyone hopeless to pray along with his prayer.
I did.
I was reminded that hope is in The Lord.
The Lord sparked hope in me that day.
Later my pastor have a message about following the Spirits lead to pray for people when you feel the nudge.
I stood and took the commitment to pray for those in need and listen to the Holy Spirits nudgings.
August 2012 my divorce was finalized.
And I moved in with my sister.
I was glad to be out of my parents watchful/scorning (I thought) eye.
My sister was gone most of the time with work and friends. I was left on my own to plunge deep into depression.
September 2012 my now ex husband had his third child. A little boy.
He now has 3 kids and 3 baby's mamas.
Regret, shame, failure, depression.
Around this time my sister tells me about this awesome speaker she listens to and recommends his podcast to me.
I don't remember the first one I listened to, but I liked it.
The speaker was funny, realistic, and spoke with power and truth.
I had picked up a house cleaning job around this time. It took me 3 & 1/2 hours to clean the house. I would turn on my podcasts and clean away.
Something about doing mindless work with my hands helped me concentrate.
Every time the speaker closed a sermon I would claim the prayer for myself.
I started taking baby steps forward.
I began to look forward to the podcasts. And would pick random titles, but they always seemed to speak directly to whatever I was dealing with.
Through winter 2012 I was still deep in depression.
I was trying to do what I was supposed to be doing, but I constantly fell short.
I couldn't do it on my own!
Slowly I started laying down all my problems at the foot of the cross.
I clung to this verse.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
It was my verse for a long time. I quoted it every time I caught myself in depression.
The more I repeated it, the more I believed it.
As I look back now, I can see each small step taken, at the time with no clear direction, has led me to here.
You don't always know defining moments while your in them.
Around this time (early 2013) I was not sleeping very well at all. Most nights I tossed and turned until I gave up and got up.
I sought out verses of sleep. I found two good ones.
Proverbs 3:24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Psalm 4:8 In peace I will lie down and sleep,for you alone, Lord,make me dwell in safety.
I began to pray these verses before bed. I prayed that I would have good dreams. I had always been a night time dreamer.
I did start sleeping better, and I started having dreams too.
I had 3 very important dreams.
In short God let me know He wanted me to get my act straight, He lived me just the way I was, and He wanted me to get filled with the Holy Spirit.
I began to be interested in Spiritual gifts and would listen to any podcast from my favorite pastor, Kris Vallotton or anything from Bethel church in Redding Ca. that was related to Spiritual gifts.
Again I would always claim the prayers at the end of the sermons for myself.
So when they prayed for the gifts of prophecy, discerning of spirits, healing, word of knowledge, and mind if Christ, I would pray that I could receive these gifts too.
Since I wanted the gifts I figured I better learn how to use them.
I just happened one Sunday to visit my childhood church, where my parents still attend. They were having a prophetic conference that weekend.
I didn't have plans, which is a small miracle in itself, so I went.
The conference speaker spoke about a class they were starting soon that was all about prophetic and other gifts.
It all happened so fast but made so much sense.
In August 2013 switched churches because I really felt lead to my home church.
I started the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministries at Harvest Church in Goshen.
I also jumped right in at church. I joined the leadership of the high school youth group, started helping with Sunday school for 5 year olds and being a door greeter.
I learned more and more about God and His love and awesome plan for me.
The more I learned, the more I wanted!
I wanted to start practicing my new gifts too.
I spoke with the leaders of the prophetic team at church and joined the team.
It's June 2014 now and I can't even believe how far I have come.
Not to my glory but God's!
He is he one who healed me, who fixed me.
I used to be so SO broken! Lost, hurt, alone...
but now I have JOY, STRENGTH, HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, I have the Holy Spirit guiding me a God who not only loves me, he enjoys me. He wants to spend time with me.
I used to live in constant fear. I got tired of it. I took a stand and said "NO more!" I gave my fear to God and He gave me peace.
It still tried to creep back now and then, but it gets more and more easy to say no to fear and to have faith.
I still struggle, I still stumble, I still fall. But I don't stay down.
I know who I am. I am a child of the most high God. A co-heir to the throne! I am a worshiper, a leader, a pillar.
I know where I am supposed to be. At Grace (my church) helping with the youth. Making a difference in my community. Helping raise up the next generation I leaders.
I know what I'm supposed to be doing. Encouraging, equipping, loving, helping, prophesying, healing.
I didn't notice till all at once that I wasn't depressed anymore. But I know it was when I invited the Holy Spirit to guild me, to be with me, to help me.
I know I was fill with the Spirit and the lost and empty fell out!
I learned if I worship when I feel like crying that joy returns.
I learned if I release peace that fear will leave.
I learned to forgive. Others and myself.
I learned to give it all to God. If all you have is misery He will take is as an offering and replace it with Him.
I learned He always comes through. Even if He does wait till the last possible moment.
I learned to a faith and step out in courage to give words to others and pray for others.
I learned to identify the lies of the devil and resist him.
I learned I didn't have to do it alone. I had family and friends who loved me and prayed for me.
I learned to get along with my ex. To be good co-parents. To pray for him.
I learned to listen to His voice.
Joining the prophetic team at church is one of the most awesome things I have done.
I still wonder from time to time if I'm way off, but then I'm given confirmation that it's right on. Which is always so cool.
My favorite part of being on the prophetic team is that it has given me so much hope for the future.
I get to see small glimpses of Gods plans for people lives. He has big plans brewing and I know you want to be part of it!!!
I don't know where all I'm going, but, I know I'm never going back to where I was.
God has awesome big plans for me!!
He has given me a couple glimpses of my future too, I like what I see.
He is also telling me to start dreaming again, day time dreaming. And to dream BIG!
If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough!!
Despite everything I did. I can still boldly approach the throne.
I have been forgiven.
I don't have to be ashamed.
I am holy.
I am clean.
I am loved.
I can be used.
I have victory.
I have destiny.
I have been set free.
I'm gunna change the world!
